Surviving

It is a New Year and it seems that my word of the day for the past while has been "surviving."

survive

See more synonyms for survive on Thesaurus.com

verb (used without object), sur·vived, sur·viv·ing.

1. to remain alive after the death of someone, the cessation of something, or the occurrence of some event; continue to live: Few survived after the holocaust.
2. to remain or continue in existence or use: Ancient farming methods still survive in the Middle East.
3. to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence: She's surviving after the divorce.

This has been a pretty apt description for my life over the past couple of months. In September it was a really exciting time for me - I got to audition for MasterChef Canada - such an amazing and wonderful experience with truly amazing people! (I will have to write about that later).

Things seems to be moving in a generally positive direction for me. However, my husband had been struggling for a while and then finally at the start of October he couldn't keep going the way he was and he had a break down at work. He has been off work since the start of October as a result of a major depressive episode and anxiety. I can't tell you what it does when you realize that the person you love, the other half of you is far worse than you imagined.

I got a text one day at work simply saying:

"Just so you don't panic or get annoyed. I am at home. Went off sick. I have an appointment with Dr. F tomorrow." 

Now for context my husband works split shifts and sometimes when I don't here from him in the afternoon but see he is still at home I get panicked that he slept and missed his second shift. Alternatively, I get busy at work and because he finished later than me I will stay at work later and then go to pick him up only to find out he was home early and I could have left work.

But this is odd it's different why would he have made an appointment and for the next day, something must be really wrong especially because he was waiting for a surgery date. So you call worried and upset to find out why he went home and what happened.

The next few weeks of my life became about learning all I could about insurance claims; EI Sickness benefits; short-term disability; long-term disability; ISO hearings and rearranging life. We asked to move up his surgery in hopes that it wouldn't prolong he has been off work if things 'magically' got better overnight (they didn't).

So much of our life got flipped on its head. This time has been about making it just to the next day, solving one issue only to move on to another issue. Learning that its ok to need help and like a lot of help. Learning that it is ok for me also to not be ok to be struggling with everything.

There have been a few people who have reached out and been offering support and I am truly grateful and blessed to have these people in my life - they have done more for me than they will ever know.

So far up to now life has been about surviving and making the next step. Through all of this one song has spoke to me and has been a beacon. I have been trying to write this post for a while now. The next post will be about my view and outlook for the New Year.