Reality Check

Well it has been just over two weeks since my last post and I need a reality check.

I am now down to 226 lbs and I am hating the 220's! After the Black Friday weekend I got down to 227 (mostly because of sickness induced lack of eating) and then quickly went back up. My body has a hard time with lack of food and then eating again.

Well I've been blah about my weight loss because I have just a short 3 weeks or 21 days until the trip to Cuba. The entire time I have had a goal of 210 before getting to Cuba and now it really seems like I will not make it to that weight and I am frustrated.

The worst part is I often feel like I have made no progress at all - which is an utterly STUPID thought considering that I have lost 32.8 lbs since September (so 16 weeks...) how on earth can ANYONE think that loosing on average 2 lbs a week is bad?!?! seriously.

Well in part the frustration comes in because I have hovered around the same weight for the last two weeks (or so it has felt) and it doesn't seem like my clothes are fitting any different.

Silly silly thoughts I know and they were made worse this weekend with a trip to the swim suit store to pick up something for Cadence. I looked at the suites and thought there is no way I can fit anything other than the ugly "fat" ones and here I have done all of this work to get no where.

Then there was the thoughts of still not being able to shop in any regular stores and having to visit plus size stores. I sat and thought about just saying screw it all and then going to get some Popcorn and pretzel. Then something stopped me and I thought about all of the hard work, the 1.5-2 hours a day I spend at the gym away from my home, my daughter trying to get the weight off and I do NOT want to go back I do NOT want to have to go through this again. The momentary up or fuzzy feeling I would get from the food would be far far out weighed by the guilt of eating the food, by the icky way it would make me feel and most importantly by the time I would have to spend at the gym making up for giving into the temptation.

I sat and contemplated this for a few minutes. My real fear was walking into a store that carries clothes from 0-18 and then looking at me and saying "your too fat to be here loser". I then made the decision that I have let fear rule enough of my life and my decisions and that I will never be able to do the thing that I think I can't do otherwise ANYTHING is possible.

So I went into the store, grabbed two pair of pants and a shirt and headed to the change room as quick as possible and tried not to be noticed.

I went into the room and start thinking of all of the excuses about not wanting to try anything else on as I got undressed and started to put the clothes on.... and guess what?!? The size 18 was LOOSE not falling off but loose. I could have cried. I came out and talked with the associate and finally had the courage to just say what was happening. I explained that I have lost 30+ lbs and I didn't know what size I was and I need help finding clothes.

So they brought me a size 16 skirt suite and I tried it on and it fit wonderfully - ever so tight around my tummy but it FIT.

It was one of the best moments I've had so far.

I know that I will not likely hit my goal of 210lbs for Cuba but I am ok with that - it was a lofty goal to start with and I am proud of my success and I am not going to let the fact that I will fall slightly short deter me from continuing.

I have a new goal - my 30th Birthday is coming up at the end of June - I have 27 weeks and my goal is to be at 170 lbs by then.

In order to achieve the goal I would need to loose 56 lbs from today or just over 2 lbs a week consistently until then.

I don't honestly know when I was last 170 lbs. Unfortunately, I ignored my weight once I started to gain. When I graduated from high school I was 155 lbs and the next weight I knew was 235lbs I don't remember any other point along the way.

So right now I am looking forward to one number 200 LBS and no longer being above that number.