To new beginnings

Well from looking at the success over the last year it is clear that there are only two ways to approach my current situation (1) be disappointed in my complete and utter failure or (2) it is a new year and a time for new beginnings.



Well let's start by facings the fact that the last year was a complete and utter failure in my goals. I set the goals specifically because they were obtainable and because I didn't want to have "resolutions" to be let down. However, I did exactly what I didn't want to do <- bad english :)



But I am choosing to take this as a new year and a new opportunity to start again. I can achieve what I want to accomplish and there is nothing to stop me except me. Take it from me if you don't already know that the hardest thing to know, acknowledge, accept and remember is that your biggest emeny in life and the one that is going to stop you from achieving your dreams is you.



I can remember as a child being told by my grade 3 elementary teacher that I was a horrible failure and would never achieve anything. I do not remember the teachers name, but I remember his face, I remember the class room and I remember his exact words to me. I can tell you that since then one of the most important things is saying "fuck you" and showing him that I can do it!



I went to a private high school and managed to get on the honor roll for at least one of the years (and that was while taking an extra class by correspondence - physics - because I couldn't fit it into my schdeule) I was told that I would not be able to accomplish it but I did. I also graduate from high school and went on to univesity and acheived an Honours Degree in Psychology with a GPA of 4.25 (so take that!) I also wrote the LSAT without studying on a whim (whole other story) and successfully made it through law school. Also, despite being told in first year that I would probably not do well in my dream job I am now working in my dream job (and hoping to be kept on). I also had a child during my law school and people said it shouldn't be done. I can go on and on about those things that I accomplished. Yet it seems that these fade away and my failures come to the foreground when I am the most in need of the support that I can achieve anything.



You see and hear so many people say that you can achieve anything that you put your mind to and when you hear that you believe it and know it is true - but then when you are tested it seems like it was all a big lie.



I need to look at this as a new beginning to my journey - but more important I cannot ignore my ultimately and horrible failure. There are reasons why I failed and did not accomplish what I had set out to achieve. Those reasons include - focusing on everything else except for my family or myself first; becoming lazy; sacrificing a lot for my dream job - and so many more reasons that I know and accept.



For so long it has felt like my life is a big box moving along on a converor belt - all I want to do is slow the belt down and throw as much I can in. I have to realize that the more I try to slow it down the faster it will move. Seems contradictory right? Especially when I am trying to live my life by the phrase "live everyday to its fullest"



How do I grab onto everything that passes by when I feel like I need to slow down to do it and then I just end up speeding up the ride?



Le Sigh> my point - I need to look forward, knowing that I am backed by failures from which I must learn lessons to not repeat those mistakes and I am back by wonderful accomplishments. I guess what I need to know and remember is that it is not about the pluses and minuses and my ultimate score - rather it is about the experiences -> good or bad it doesn't matter if I don't learn anything from them.



With that said I am planning on moving forward and learning from my mistakes and successes.



- I will be meal planning again

- Going grocery shopping regularly and a fixed number of times

- Eating breakfast, lunch and supper every day

** This means being organzied


- I must organzie my home - and this does not mean "clean" as my house is really not dirty - I must put my home together - get ride of the past that I don't need to hang onto anymore and find what is really important.


- I must find more time for exercise (swimming and running - perhaps aquasize again) and not only because I want to loose weight but because I actually like it and because my daughter needs to learn that this is a part of life.

- I must find more time for my familly and for my daughter that is time for her doing the things that she truly enjoys



- I must do the things I love: reading and cooking.